OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round.
He gradually started acting differently and as a result, you’re much more interested in him now than you were in the beginning.
In other words, he learned how to act if he wants to get rejected by you and he learned how to act if he wants you to chase him.
Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world.
As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date: As our employees ceaselessly analyze a vast trove of classified White House documents on ocean barges floating outside the jurisdiction of the Fair Labor Standards Act, we are finding ample evidence that the path being pursued by this president and his cabinet is, as anticipated, startlingly unlike any other in history.
When he was pursuing you, you felt like you had control and could choose whether or not you wanted him around. You came back together and over time, things changed.Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries.From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology, dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine.DALLAS—In a bold move marking its first foray into the luxury market, restaurant and video arcade chain Dave & Buster’s announced Thursday the opening of David & Benedict’s, a new fine dining and gaming outpost in the Napa Valley region of Northern California.We here at The Onion are fully aware that our own reporters, like all members of the power-mad, out-of-control media, frequently overstep these sacred boundaries by scrutinizing the decisions and actions that those in mighty seats of authority, such as Mr. PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate.Sparks may definitely be once again flying between the two, seeing as they were recently spotted together again.